April 1st japes
The industry this year wasn’t short on inventiveness for last April Fool’s Day with a surfeit of shakedowns on offer for gullible readers.
7 June 2019 | 0
Seeing as how it’s the top global Irish whiskey brand Jameson decided to secure the safety of its Jameson ‘Catchmates’ (yes, you read that right) range with new ‘anti-theft glittershot technology’ which aims to ensure that the Irish elixir is shared, not stolen.
“Triple-distilled, twice as smooth and one of a kind, Jameson is now available fitted with Anti-Theft Glittershot Technology to ensure that your whiskey is enjoyed only when you say so,” states Irish Distillers.
If a thief does happen to lay hands on the bottle and proceeds to unscrew the cap, a cloud of green glitter will cover the miscreant thanks to a 10 metres-per-second carbon-loaded spring in the cap.
Genuine owners of a bottle of the brand can set the cap to ‘Glitter Shot Active Mode’ and sit back as more than 10,000 local, hand-crafted emerald green glitter particles “selected by Jameson (arts and) craftsmen in Midleton” proceed to coat the crook.
Then there’s Hattingly Valley Wines which launched “a traditional method sparkling wine under screw cap closure”. Yes.
The new specially-created seal can withstand the pressure of ‘traditional method’ sparkling wine, typically six bars.
The first wine in the collection to be released under the new screwcap technology is its Classic Reserve NV which has spent a minimum of 18 months on lees in Hattingley’s cellars.
“Some people report difficulty in opening cork with wire-hood closures on sparkling wine so this scientific development, whilst controversial, will make it easier for everyone to enjoy our award winning wine,” commented Hattingley’s owner and Chairman Simon Robinson dryly.
Speaking of reporting difficulty in opening the seal, Closing Time would like to be there when someone attempts to ‘unscrew’ this type of pressure!
Also on a wine screw-cap theme, Hidden Spring in East Sussex has released 10% of its 2018 stock in left-handed screw-caps for Southpaws like Chris Phipps, the winery’s co-owner, who added, “We’re also working on our future range of products including left-handed spittoons as I seem to keep missing when using the right-handed ones”.
And of course, let’s not forget the news that the Wetherspoon pub chain decided to leave Tim Martin, its Chairman, on the first day of April.
UK trade newspaper Publicans Morning Advertiser reported that Wetherspoon staff had narrowly carried the Mexit vote 53.4% to 46.6% in favour of the break-up of the company from its Chairman.
“However, only 72.2% of JDW’s workforce decided to take part in the vote, which could leave room for Martin-supporters to call for a second referendum in a bid to overturn the vote,” reported PMA adding that “Mexit means Mexit” according to one pro-breakup employee.